Brian Kalina

There are some things that make me laugh no matter how many times I see them. This is one of those things.

My friend Brian Kalina is responsible for this. If you know Brian you are probably thinking to yourself, "Yeah, that sounds about right." Here are some more of my favorite Kalina Kreations.

Monkey Problems

I think Michael Scott put it best when he said, "Monkey problems? Why would I have monkey problems - I hate monkeys."

Ever since I first watched the live-action Leslie Neilsen film, "Mr. Magoo," I have been afraid of baboons. Ever since I watched "Congo," I have been afraid of gorillas. Ever since I watched "Jumanji," I have been afraid of poorly-animated computer-generated monkeys. Call it unfair media portrayal, but behind every negative stereotype is some shred of truth - and today my primate fears were justified.

This is Travis, a pet chimpanzee who used to live with his 70-year-old owner and starred in ads for Coca-Cola and Old Navy, until he viciously mauled some woman and ripped her face off. I just listened to the 9-1-1 call on CNN.com (click here) - the whole thing just baffles me. Here are some issues that I feel must be brought up.

1) Why does this woman own a monkey? The average chimpanzee is 5-7 times stronger than the average human, and approximately 400 times worse at communicating its emotions in a healthy manner. The question is not if this monkey would rip somebody's face off, it was when.

2) This monkey used the toilet, brushed his teeth and drank wine from a stemmed glass. Stop training your monkeys! People are concerned about a robot uprising - but what about monkeys!? Treat them like humans, and what do you think is going to happen? Trust me, if you give a chimp a wine glass, he's going to want civil liberties to go with it.

3) Travis had a reputation! Apparently back in 2003 he got out of the house and "wreaked havoc" in the streets of Stamford, Connecticut. I have no idea what this rampage must have looked like, but I can tell you it was probably a little more terrifying than this:

In conclusion - don't own a monkey. If you're a 70-year-old woman living alone, definitely don't own a monkey. 

5 months later...

So, me and blogging have been on a break for about the past five months. My relationship with blogging started fiery and passionate, but after about a week I realized that it takes some dedication and commitment to keep it going. So, in keeping with my natural male instincts, I ditched it.

But now I'm back. For those die-hard followers of this blog (e.g. Mom), this probably feels a lot like the last season of "Lost" when the writers strike caused it to be off the air for like half of a year. So let's do a recap of what has happened in the last five months.

Previously on James' life:

(Steve, if you're reading this, just insert "Time warp! Time warp! Time warp!" between each of these months).

September

I turned 22, and I got an accordion for my birthday. I also realized that the gap between 21 and 22 is bigger than any other birthday I have experienced thus far. If you're not there yet, it's very strange. It's the only age differential that I have not looked forward to. When people ask me how old I am, I want to say I am 21 - an age with lots of opportunities and seemingly few obligations. Instead I have to respond, "I am an adult who should probably have his life pretty much settled by now. No, I do not have a job lined up. No, I am not dating anyone. Yes, I do live an apartment that is referred to as 'The Hang Zone.' I am the downfall of this nation."

October

I don't remember much about this month, so I used my Gmail archives to see what I was up to. As far as email is concerned, October was defined by unopened messages from Joe Biden and tryouts for Cornerstone's Christmas production, "Esmerelda." More on that later. This was also the month of an epic Halloween party, where I dressed up as Matt Foley - motivational speaker.

November

This month started off with a bang, as my dad and I got to attend Iowa's huge upset over the then third-ranked Penn State Nittany Lions. If you did not know this already, I am a Hawk fan, born and raised - this does not mean that I hate the Cyclones, I just root against them when they play Iowa.

There was also a major non-upset that happened this month, with Obama winning the election. I am a journalist, so it's pretty much in my job description to freak out of my mind at the mention of his name, to squeal with delight whenever he goes to the gym, and to sit on the edge of my seat wondering what he's going to name his dog. I'm glad the election is over.

December

This month was defined by long and numerous rehearsals for "Esmerelda," in which I played the role of Pickory. I got to wear a very uncomfortable wig and costume and speak in a British accent for about a month. This was a great experience - the DVD is coming out soon. This was also the month when at one point my room looked like this:

The rest of the apartment wasn't much better. Go here for a detailed photo essay about how this was dealt with.

January

Last month, I started my last semester at Iowa State. I also found out that I will be going to South Asia for two months this summer on a Focus mission trip. Last month was also the beginning of a new musical collaboration in my life - Island Justice.

The existence of this video solidifies the fact that I will never be elected to a major political office.

So, there it is in a nutshell - it's fun to reminisce. Who knows how long this recommitment to blogging will last, but I don't foresee that I will be taking any more 5-month breaks.