Monkey Problems

I think Michael Scott put it best when he said, "Monkey problems? Why would I have monkey problems - I hate monkeys."

Ever since I first watched the live-action Leslie Neilsen film, "Mr. Magoo," I have been afraid of baboons. Ever since I watched "Congo," I have been afraid of gorillas. Ever since I watched "Jumanji," I have been afraid of poorly-animated computer-generated monkeys. Call it unfair media portrayal, but behind every negative stereotype is some shred of truth - and today my primate fears were justified.

This is Travis, a pet chimpanzee who used to live with his 70-year-old owner and starred in ads for Coca-Cola and Old Navy, until he viciously mauled some woman and ripped her face off. I just listened to the 9-1-1 call on CNN.com (click here) - the whole thing just baffles me. Here are some issues that I feel must be brought up.

1) Why does this woman own a monkey? The average chimpanzee is 5-7 times stronger than the average human, and approximately 400 times worse at communicating its emotions in a healthy manner. The question is not if this monkey would rip somebody's face off, it was when.

2) This monkey used the toilet, brushed his teeth and drank wine from a stemmed glass. Stop training your monkeys! People are concerned about a robot uprising - but what about monkeys!? Treat them like humans, and what do you think is going to happen? Trust me, if you give a chimp a wine glass, he's going to want civil liberties to go with it.

3) Travis had a reputation! Apparently back in 2003 he got out of the house and "wreaked havoc" in the streets of Stamford, Connecticut. I have no idea what this rampage must have looked like, but I can tell you it was probably a little more terrifying than this:

In conclusion - don't own a monkey. If you're a 70-year-old woman living alone, definitely don't own a monkey.