Gift cards are dumb

Lil' smokies. I bought lil' smokies. I never buy smokies! But on Monday, not only did I snag the smokies, but I also bought the 16 oz. KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce to go with them. After my shopping spree, I wheeled the $97 worth of groceries and random household items out of the store, feeling pretty accomplished. But as I drew closer to the car, reality crept up on me and I couldn't help but wonder, "What just happened in there?"

Well, I'll tell you what happened – I was consumed by the financial invincibility of the $100 Hy-Vee gift card. Gift cards have some sort of psychological hold on me, and the more I think about it, the more I don't like gift cards. And hey – I still have $3 left on that one! Which brings me to my first beef.

Companies LOVE gift cards. When you purchase one, the absolute worst thing that can happen to that company is the customer spends the entire amount at their store. Bummer! On the other hand, the best thing that can happen is if the customer loses the card, forgets about it completely, or doesn't spend the entire amount by the time it expires – money in the bank! Think about it – you're paying money for a piece of plastic worth the same amount of money that can only be spent at one particular place. Voluntarily limiting our spending power? That's just plain un-American!

Point two on gift cards: they aren't real money. Are they? Sure doesn't feel like it. I would never have spent $97 in a single trip to Hy-Vee if I was paying in cash. “Hmm, the coffee aisle smells good. I usually buy Folger's...but...I have a gift card – might as well try the Bergie's Colombian.” Next thing you know, I'm sitting with $3 left on the card, and about six unopened Rice Sides in my cupboard three months from now.

I'm not saying that gift cards are wrong for everybody. Gift cards are absolutely perfect for two extremes of society: penny-pinchers and addicts. For the pinchers, gift cards are a great idea because they force “luxurious” spending. You know as well as I do that if you give a cheapskate some cash, they'll throw it into the bank or blow the money on something practical! Boring. Better get 'em a Dave & Buster's card and force them to enjoy themselves like these winners:

As for the addicts, it's pretty much the same principle as giving a homeless guy a sandwich instead of a dollar. When you give someone cash, they can spend it wherever the heck they want! But with gift cards, you have complete control over spending location. This type of control is very strategic when you want to send a subliminal message. Card to the the Gap? Your fashion could use an update. Card to Nutri-Shop? Get in shape. Or in my case, cards to Chili's and Outback Steakhouse... “Take a girl out to dinner, already!"

In conclusion - mom and dad, please don't be offended by this rant I really do appreciate the gift cards! The Hy-Vee card is actually one of the more practical ones I've seen, and as for Chili's and Outback...well, let's just say I'll work on that.

But who knows, maybe I'll just let 'em sit. Not like it's real money, anyway.