Thoughts on zombies

(Peter and I)

One thing you should know about Peter Seifert is that he knows more about zombies than you do. He said he has been studying a lot of literature ("The Zombie Survival Guide" - Max Brooks) and has watched many documentaries ("Night of the Living Dead," "Shaun of the Dead"). Peter is convinced that a zombie infestation would be the best epidemic that could possibly happen.

I don't doubt his expertise on the subject, but I don't really agree with him about zombies being the best epidemic. Personally, I would prefer a diarrhea epidemic to a zombie epidemic. But I can see where Peter's coming from - in essence, a zombie should be a very easy thing to avoid. It is sluggish, rotting and (according to Peter) incapable of learning new information. But somehow, in every zombie movie I've seen they always find a way to catch people like you and me and rip us apart.

Peter refutes this argument by saying that the only way a zombie could really catch you is if you let one sneak up from behind and take you by surprise. He says a real zombie is incredibly stupid and will do things like continually walk into a closed door because it doesn't know how to turn the door knob.

I asked Peter what he would do if he were walking down Welch Avenue and he saw a zombie walking toward him. He said the first thing he would do is go to Pizza Pit.

"I would go in there and grab the pizza cutter, because they have huge blades and I would run outside and slice it's head off. And then I'd have to scout to see if any one got bit by that zombie."


Peter said it takes 48 hours for someone to turn into a zombie after being infected, to which my roommate, Jesse, replies, "I contracted the zombie once. Nothing a little codine can't fix."

This concept of "turning" interests me. Peter says you can get infected by getting bit, scratched or by getting zombie blood in your mouth (which is why you need to be careful not to pull a Michael Jordan while decapitating a zombie with a pizza cutter).



I asked Peter if he would kill himself if he got infected. Peter laughed.
"I would want to infect as many people as possible!" Peter said.

At this point in the conversation, I try my best to look at the zombie scenario from a Christian perspective. "What do you think about sharing the gospel with zombies?"

"There's no point - they're already dead," Peter said. "But I wonder if it was like a Christian zombie, instead of terrorizing people, they would be doing good deeds for people, like helping old ladies across the street...Maybe they can resist eating the flesh of humans and just eat animal flesh...but real zombies don't like the flesh of animals so I don't see how they could resist that temptation."

I was about to bust out 1 Corinthians 10:13, but somehow it didn't seem like the temptation to eat the flesh of a living human being could in any way qualify as "common to man."

"What is the most effective weapon against a zombie?" I asked.

My roommate Steve lit up and blurted, "Garlic. Crap, wait-"

"I would prefer a sniper rifle," Peter said. "I could just sit on top of a building and shoot their heads off." He said the weapon choice depends on your environment and what you have available. After I got out of the shower this morning, I decided that the best weapon in my bathroom is the metal towel rack, assuming I can rip it off the wall in the heat of the moment.

Peter said he's thought about dressing up as a zombie and roaming the town, but he's afraid that somebody might blow his head off with a shotgun. "If I saw somebody dressed up as a zombie, I'd kill them," Peter said. "And I'd be completely within my rights - I'd say, 'I thought it was a zombie.' That'd stand up in court."

Probably the most interesting thing I learned from Peter was about the digestive behaviors of zombies. They don't poop. Apparently zombies just eat until they explode - this is what constitutes a "natural" death for a zombie.

Except zombies.